Healing to lose weight…
Im sitting here wondering why it’s such a struggle losing weight this time around. Then I start realizing that I dont have a distraction, no flirty member of the opposite sex to think about, nothing that would keep my mind anywhere but thinking of the comfort and dullingness of crap food. Do I feel better eating it? of course not. But in some sick way it’s fulfilling. But not my physical being or my spirit. It fulfills that part of me that isn’t being fulfilled.
I have events coming up that I want to feel good at. I want my kids to be proud of their mother. I want to be proud of me. I ask myself… why aren’t you enough of a reason to NOT seek out those comfort foods? Why aren’t you enough in your own mind? Why is it you can help everyone else on the planet with the same struggles but not yourself? Why can you not see what everyone else does… with or without extra weight?
I believe the reason it’s so hard right now is because I dont have these distractions, I dont have that knowingness inside of me that I am enough. In looking at the fulfilment I receive in some form from chocolate or sweet things, I see the pain Im burying. Right now Im forced to look at me. Im forced to see my own pain. And in doing so I honestly believe I may just heal finally. Every time I want to run to the store to get some cadbury eggs or pringles to eat WITH the chocolate (Salty & sweet ya know?), I find myself asking why? What are you trying to hide from? It’s not easy. I win some days and not so much on others. I have this problem with binging. It’s a control thing. If I feel I have no control over my life, the binging comes in to “save” me. Only it’s destroying my very spirit. I dont eat much. The volume of food is weak at best. But what I do eat on a binge is very high calorie and sugar and carbs. Volume is very low, so when I do eat well, I get full too quickly on healthy foods and dont get enough calories. I’m working on this.
I remember growing up not having any control within my life. Not even as a teen. Nothing! Nada! I was never heard. And let me tell you… I was very thin then. I developed this eating disorder back then as a way to control something, ANYTHING, in my life. Binge and purge. Not healthy I tell you. I’ve gained control over most of it, but the binging is a tough one. My son in law had heard stories but didn’t quiet believe until he came to live here with my daughter for almost a year. Then he developed a great understanding of what he hadn’t understood.
When you grow up “alone” basically. And I mean that in the sense that you take care of yourself, you dont have anyone to tell you your pretty or just plain awesome. Noone to say, hey, go for it, you can do it!! The only words you hear are telling you how you can be better, how you can lose weight (When I didnt need to), but never really accepting who you are and loving you regardless. You just compensate and develop the wrong way to see yourself. My friends do not understand how I can not see what they do. And I cannot understand completely what they see. I’m working on this too. I always tried to be like everyone else that I thought was good, pretty, thin, and nice. I would have been mortified if I did anything wrong, or got anything less than an A in a class. And well…. if I gained weight. In not seeing myself as anything worthwhile, I gained.
In the past 5 years I made relationship choices not realizing I was worth more. Just one in all this time… and the effects are still with me a little. I thought I had to give and give and give without recieving anything in return because of how I saw myself. This has been the toughest pain to overcome. How do you go from not being able to see your worth to seeing it? You choose yourself! You accept yourself! You love yourself! Not easy. I was a Pollyanna growing up. Too afraid to really rebel and live. Though I did choose love and left home at 16. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here. My father said I think too much. He never really understood. And I never understood why he couldn’t trust me and allow me to make my own mistakes. That is the worst injustice you can do to a child. Let them have choices in their life. Let them make mistakes and learn from their choices. They will grow up stronger for it. I left home not knowing what the world was really like. I trusted everyone! Hell, I still do. But overtime I learned alot. And I’m alive. I graduated HS. Got married a year later, and had my 2 oldest beautiful children. I knew exactly what I wanted in life. My son had challenges and in learning about life through him and how he “sees” the world, I went on to college to learn more graduating with double bachelors degrees and high honors. Yet…. still I could not see my worth.
This is my life lesson.
I am light years from where I was, but not healed just yet. If I were I would not struggle with my weight. Not in the way that I do. I tell everyone it’s like an addiction… I take one day at a time and get through it. If I dont, the food controls me. I know I can do this… just trying to gain the confidence and self esteem to know the time is NOW. I’d done it once before, and I was so strong and confident. But not healed. Therefore when someone came into my life and crushed my spirit, I lost me. Can you relate? Maybe not food but any kind of addiction or giving too much. I dont blame that situation or even my childhood for my weight. I’m an adult. My choices are my own. My healing process is my own. I guess Im reflecting to try and heal from the sources of my own pain.
If we dont face our pain, we can never heal. I refuse to run from it. And I may struggle for a good while to come before I get through this permanently. But it’s ok. It’s a journey. As the tears fell today I knew I had to write this down. With the work I do, and diving guidance I share, I have to be able to walk my talk. (Is that said right? ha ha) I know you know what I mean.
It’s Friday and my youngest son goes with his Dad today for the weekend. I used to panic and run to the store to “stock up”. Then I realized what I was doing. I wasn’t dealing with being alone. I was burying my feelings. And I had thought I was doing good because I wasn’t keeping myself overly busy… I was staying home and being ok with my own company. But I was doing it with a binge of sweets. Not this day! Today I allow myself to feel and to heal a little bit more. 🙂
This isn’t really a metaphysical post but I thought… what the heck! I know I’m not the only person out there struggling. If you want to join me on MyFitnessPal, please feel free. My name there is sallysigns. Or MapMyHike, my name there is SallyBowers. Or just facebook. 🙂
Yes I’m human. 🙂 I’m approachable. 🙂 And I have struggles just like you. Thats what makes me able to relate in my work so well.
Have an awesome rest of your day!!!